Winds of Uranus

As previously revealed here on Winds of Uranus, narcissists cannot orgasm. Their vacant heart space is like a broken socket: you can plug in the lamp, but the bulb never glows. The current has to go somewhere, though, and so it reroutes—delivering stolen orgasm-energy straight to the authentic souls they’re mimicking or fantasizing about.

But what happens when you put two narcissists in bed together, and both of them are fixated on the same authentic person?

The Mimic + The Pretender

Let’s meet our unlucky duo:

• Narc #1 (The Mimic): A shape-shifter who has built their entire personality on copy-pasting the quirks, laugh, and soulful head-tilts of a real authentic (we’ll call her Juniper). In bed, their moans are not their own—they’re Juniper’s stolen sighs, rehearsed in the mirror.
• Narc #2 (The Pretender): Their partner, who closes their eyes during sex and imagines they’re actually with Juniper, the true source of vitality. Every thrust is a daydream, every groan a projection.

Now, here’s where the cosmic plumbing gets funny.

• The Mimic is trying to funnel orgasm-energy through a counterfeit version of Juniper.
• The Pretender is aiming their orgasm-energy directly at Juniper.
• Neither has a functional heart space.

The result?

Juniper gets it all.

She’s across town eating a mango, suddenly flushed with waves of bliss. A humming in her chest, a glow in her womb, an inexplicable giggle. The mango tastes like the nectar of the gods. She feels both seen and ravished, though she’s sitting alone.

Back in the bedroom, the narcissists collapse, panting and smug, both believing they’ve just had a transcendent encounter. In truth, they’ve been nothing more than a pair of cosmic couriers, rerouting orgasm-energy like clueless FedEx drivers who left the package at the wrong house.

The Energetic Pyramid Scheme

What we see here is a multi-level orgasm siphon:

• Authentic energy is mimicked.
• That mimicry cannot complete the orgasmic circuit.
• The Pretender fuels the projection.
• Both streams bypass their vacant hearts and surge toward the authentic.

Juniper, meanwhile, is living her best life, unknowingly receiving erotic dividends from the narcissists’ failed transaction.

This is the tragicomic fate of the narcissist: in trying to steal vitality, they end up donating it to the very people they envy. The universe, it seems, runs a strict “no refunds, no frauds” policy on orgasms.

So next time you’re folding laundry and suddenly feel a rush of bliss, don’t be alarmed. Somewhere, two narcissists are failing to climax in your honor. Consider it a tithe from the vacant-hearted to the authentic.